Thursday, May 05, 2005

I should have used up my lifetime quota

for 'birdshits on a person', if God did set such a quota.

How many ways have I been bombarded by innocently-looking (but really devious in nature) birds? Let me count the ways -- there are so many over the years that I have lost count.


My virgin experience was during my JC 2 year, under the Kaki Bukit Expressway, near Upper Bukit Timah Road. It was during my JC prelim exam for physics S, if my recollection is right. Was going through perhaps the electromagnetic equations in my head, and watching for the bus, when a blasted pigeon landed his prized excrement on my head. It was a heinous crime to which I wish the pigeon eternal happiness as a chinese wedding dinner dish in some fancy chinese restaurant.
Lesson learnt:
- Avoid places like directly under MRT tracks where pigeons set their home in nooks and corners. They tend to do their business from the convenience of their home - perhaps a form of telecommuting.
- Avoid histories. That is, observe the grounds where you are standing/walking past/parking for past evidences of heinous crimes. Birdshitting (I have found out from my vast experience, no doubt) has an unfair distribution, and where there was shit once, it is most likely to happen again. We too, have our preferences of toilets (don't you), and so do these devils.


Ok, this is not really a birdshit event, but it’s of a similar nature. This was an occasion right after one of my exams too. Hmm... I think it might just as well be another physic exam, I cannot be sure. Physics meant so much to me then.

This time round, it was a crow, that I’m definite. It was outside RJC, near the front gate. Apparently there had been shooting of crows by some environmental group (they [the crows] were disturbing the Ghim Moh area quite badly, it seems) and it might be a case of hate-crime when a crow came swooping down onto my then-botak head, giving my head a minor scratch. Thinking it was a case of mistaken identity, and understanding it’s feelings of probably having lost some relatives to the human species in the prior event, I was forgiving. But not when it tried swooping down at me another time. Waved my file in attempt to shock the bloody aviator, and it grew the wiser after that – it crowed at me from a distance.

Lesson learnt:

Avoid places where there had been crow-shooting like a plague. That is, if you don’t want any crows having fun at your expense.


Avoid trees with birds in them. No matter how innocuous the birds chirp, how sweet/cute your girlfriend(s) say they are, birds will always shit. That is a fact of life. This time round, I forgot where it was (in the Paya Lebar region, I vaguely remember). Washed it off at the MRT station sometime after that.

Lesson learnt:

Avoid trees with birds in them.


The first of 3 shits in Vancouver, 2004. Suspiciously, Eu was in all of them...

First was a greeting at a busstop in downtown Vancouver, waiting for transit to Stanley park. It was a huge dollop! This was the case that zqueen was referring to in one of the past comment, cos it stained my new Goretex MEC jacket...

Lesson learnt:

Sea gulls eat a lot and shit a lot. Avoid them at all cost. When they come flying at you, take cover.


In Stanley park. Was an indirect hit, from the giant splatter off our picnic table.

Lesson learnt:

Shit happens.

Avoid picnic in open air spaces patrolled regularly by pesty minions of the air. Sometimes, they connive together in attempts to force you away from your precious food using toxic weapons of mess destruction, of the organic sort.


Chinatown, Vancouver. Classic bird on tree situation. It was a silent sniper, deserving of accolades for its stealth and accuracy. Lucky for me, it was low on ammunition.

Lesson learnt:

Shit happens.

I think there was 1 other situation in Vancouver where I avoided artillery bombardment by a close shave, having noticed the payload from the sky. But I can’t remember exactly where, since it was null damage to me.... It might also be a figment of my imagination, having gone through these trying ordeals which left indelible accounts in my mind forevermore.


Latest one, was in NUS Business canteen, after my last exam paper (CS3211). Lunching is a joyous occasion, and the sad birds may have felt left out and was thus malicious.

By now, I think I have grown quite accustomed to shitty situation, and there was no panic involved. I know the drill by hard::

Take out tissue and wipe off bulk of the stuff in my hair

Proceed calmly to the nearest washing point

Wet the area to wash off whatever residue left

Give your hair a thorough wash using whatever cleaning agent you have.

Lesson learnt:

Don’t panic. It’s really useless in situations like these.

To end this whole gloomy discourse, here’s a shit-related joke that you might have, or have not heard before:

Bear and rabbit were walking along in the jungle, when both of them felt an urge to shit. So they proceeded to a bush to do their business.

Bear: Rabbit ah?

Rabbit: Yes?

Bear: Do you have the problem of shit sticking on to your fur?

Rabbit checks if there’s shit sticking to its fur. There wasn’t any.

Rabbit: No leh

Bear: Good.

The bear proceeds to use rabbit to wipe his backside.

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