Thursday, September 15, 2005

I like staying in PGP

because I can go and jog in the middle of the night, and my mom won't be there asking me when I'm coming back, or to deter me by
1) telling me that I'm crazy to forgo sleep and go jogging instead, or
2) complaining that she has to wash the toilet after I come home and bathe, or
3) saying that she'll have to wash extra clothes.

Much as I ignore her futile efforts in dissuading me, they do have their negative effects on me - I still put to mind what she says. It's always an institutional barrier that stifles my personal freedom, and rather than stopping me from doing things that I like, it adds a reproachful air to my actions and I'm left doing things that I like half-heartedly. And I think that's wrong - it doesn't land any of us in a good stead.

Sometimes what I need is encouragement to do what I like, to do something different. To not fit in the mould that was given to me. Who am I? Do I define myself? Yes, I do, but behind all this facade, I still care about other's opinions. I'm no island, much as I rather want myself to be, and I still need people to care for me, to be happy for me in my endeavours to be myself. And I still want to please, to live up to expectations of those who love me. To a degree, I define myself by those around me. I do have institutional roles to play.

The development of my Self is conflicting with the cathexis my mother projects onto me, though she is gradually realising that I am no longer yielding, no longer a projection of what she wants me to be.

Yes, I like the endorphin-rush from jogging around school, and I was trying to discourse on this matter. I'm not sure how I came to talk about my mom and whatever else I have talked about, but it just did. I guess these things happen sometimes - this just is one of those times.

Late nights do strange things to exceptional people. =D

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