Monday, September 19, 2005

Sleeping with the Enemy: FIBUA tactics

We've always been sleeping with our Enemies, and we've always come out of the fight with swollen ends on our side.

I don't like it that way.
In fact I hate it. I bet you do too. Heck, no one does.

If there're any viler thoughts of malice possible against Them, I do not know of them.

Only poisonous fumes can settle the eternal vendetta between us......or is that true?

Throughout my 24 years of experience in FIBUA (Fighting In Built-Up Area) with the enemies, I have uncovered several strengths and weaknesses of The Enemies, and it may be good for the whole of humanity that I share some knowledge and tactics for our eternal war against The Enemy...

1. E=M*C*C applies.
Assuming constant energy, The Enemies' speed gets faster the smaller their individual mass is. While a higher mass denotes more lethal weapons, it also translates to slower speeds and a higher success rate of gunning them down. And I like them that way.
However, a smaller mass does NOT denote less lethal weapons, but it still does translate to higher speeds, and a lower success rate of gunning them down!
Moral of the story - fear the small ones. They pack a mean bite and are more elusive.

2. The Enemies slow down in air-conditioned environment.
Yes, this is true. I'm not sure why, but I'd bet my money on a slower metabolic rate and an increased difficulty in fluttering their accursed wings. The better to eliminate them, I say. =)

3. The Enemies like stagnant airs and dark corners.
Ventilating your room helps in getting Them out of your area. Dark Corners? Minimize them unless you have great compassion for insects to propagate their species with your blood! These minions of the devil thrive in dark corners and are most powerful there! For one thing, you can't see them well there, and they KNOW it. They bloody do. That's why moms always tell their children to avoid dark corners. It's not just the strangers or robbers, I tell you...

4. Know those plants that are said to repel them?
Doesn't work.

5. High frequency sound devices?
Doesn't work well. BELIEVE me I have one in my room.

6. Swatting?
Works to a certain degree. But I have (oh yes... I DO...) a method to eliminate them, and it works like a charm. Let them bite you. (What?) Yes, when you see them landing on you, let them bite you (but..).... and when they're all plump and succulent with your blood, they can't bloody fly well - and that's when you can try catching them with your wooden chopsticks. It's better to sacrifice a small amount of your blood (and one swelling) to get rid of the bugger once and for all, then to endure its buzzings and the multiple small bites it inflicts all over you.

7. Keep your walls (and clothings) brightly coloured.
For easy spotting of the enemy. It's like having a large clearing for a DMZ, making sure no enemies can come within respectable distances from you.

8. Drinking alkaline solution helps.
I think. That's because the enemies do not trifle with people having blood of slightly higher pH - pple like TCWITB.

9. Always have your blanket ready to trap them.
When you see them flying around, cast your blanket out like a net, and stomp on your blanket like a mad man/woman. It helps to rid the threat, but does no good for your image if your neighbour happens to be around.

10. The Enemies are especially attracted to, and well-versed in pulses and the likes. They seemed to have undergone acupoint lessons at some martial arts school in China. So watch out for your joint areas where your blood vessel are most exposed.

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